Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Someone Else Entirely
It began as soon as I read that word. I'll never forget it. PREGNANT. We got the test that reads "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT", because really, who needs to be bothered with colors and lines. Not us. We didn't need to waste time reading 2 lines of directions. We just wanted the results, people.
We were very anxious. And excited. And impatient. And other things that two people probably shouldn't be who have only tried for 1 month. But man, did we want this baby. I still remember going to buy the test. We laughed as we hid it underneath all of our other purchases, in case we saw someone we knew. Which we did, because we live in teeny town. It was all we could do not to skip through the aisle, at the thought of our little growing embryo. We had this possible secret, that could possibly change our whole lives, that was all confirmed by that word. Pregnant. I took the test 6 days early, I think God Himself had just decided to make me pregnant, and I was already trying to test for it. I swear, I was so anxious, I could barely wait any longer. And I remember feeling proud of my little embryo, that the hormones were so strong that it showed up positive so early. And that's when I knew I was to become someone else entirely. I was a mama.
And that's when I started learning. Learning about what it is to love another being, much more than yourself. Not just in a selfless way, but the way that makes you know that each decision you make is directly affecting this fragile little angel. Pregnancy for me now is so joyful. Pregnancy is my big healthy belly, basking in Spring sunshine, having hubby rub my belly and talk to his little baby, and feeling my little beauty tell me secrets with it's kicks and movements. But the first five months were not like this. The sickness. Oh, the sickness.
Morning sickness is a fallacy. Unless maybe the term is meant to refer to the fact that it starts in the morning, and doesn't stop until the following morning. Just to start up again. If that's what they mean, then yes, the title is quite accurate. I only wanted to sleep, and maybe feel up to eating something. But foods that I used to love, I couldn't even look at in the refrigerator. Food shopping was therefore out the window. And cooking, my one true love after my hubby and painting and wine, was also out. Completely. I felt like my baby was not being nourished, that I was becoming quite a useless being, and that my everyday loves and habits were being taken away one by one. I didn't even have relief at night, because I would wake up all throughout the night and either be nauseous or actually sick. My body didn't feel like my own. I felt like someone else entirely.
But the support I had was amazing. I had friends who would cook for me, when I felt hungry enough to tolerate something. They cleaned my house when all I could do was sleep. I had my Mama and sister, who would tell me it was okay, to just take one day at a time, to know that my baby was healthy and strong and that I was doing great. And then there was the day when Mama almost left work to drive 3 hours and just take care of me. At the time I said, "Don't be silly, that's crazy." But now I realize it was because I made her someone else entirely.
And then there was my hubby. Who told me to rest and sleep and hid his avocados from me so I didn't have to look at them, and never made me feel like I was crazy. Who got up multiple times a night when he heard me getting sick, to rub my back and let me know that he was there, when he had to be up at 5 for work. I needed him there. I needed his hand on my back, his strength. But I never had to say it, he just knew. He started saying "It's for the baby," which he still says, and is his way of reminding me that even thought I'm uncomfortable, that baby is thriving and that means we're doing well. The love I found in him made this baby, and that same love made me strong and kept this baby growing.I learned that everyday is not rainbows and ice cream cones. Speaking of which, I have mint chip in my freezer which will be my lunch. But as I was saying, some days are stormy. Some days have hiccups and roadblocks and it's hard to see the sunlight through the fog. But the sun is always there. Blessings do not come without some form of suffering. Isn't that profound? I can't take credit, my friend Jesus taught me that. And for me to think about how much I love this baby, how I will do anything to protect it, how I would live every day of those 5 months over again for my Baby R...to think that God loves me more than that. Well that make me want to be someone else entirely. Someone better than I am. The person that God sees when He looks at me.
It's these things that make me feel motherhood from the inside, out. Motherhood is a glimpse of that love. That love that we all feel at times, that we all doubt at times, that we all must have faith in to get through some days. And I find myself less concerned with receiving this love, and more concerned with giving it. I think that's what becoming a mama is. The giving of love and of yourself entirely. People always say that, but now I feel it what it's like.
And the craziest thing is, that I think pregnancy already changed me. I already feel like a mama. But that when I see my baby's face, I know I will be changed even more. I will become someone else entirely for my baby. And hubby will too. Mama and Daddy of baby. And I can't wait to feel that love together.